RSG Pittsburgh - 2007

Dramatis Personae

Sir Markus - the sheriff of Nottingham... um, er, the Sheriff of Pittsburgh.

Thor - an itinerant weatherman.

Terry - a frequent visitor from the Middle East. Or was that a frequenter of Middle Eastern restaurants. Yeah, that's the ticket.

Gary - a heavy hitter from the north.

Fred - a wizard from the East, known for using archaic wooden implements to cast his spells.

Dave - mild-mannered reporter for the RSG-Ohio news, and narrator of this tale.

Roger - the sheriff's father.

Chris - the sheriff's son.

Mike - the gymnastic friend of the sheriff's son.

Bryan - a local squire, and the sheriff's deputy.

The Other Chris - a voice on the telephone.

The Starter at Butlers - the court jester.

Kenny G - plays sax fast, plays golf slow.

Forked-Tongued Serpent in the parking lot of the Rib Crib.

Yet Another Chris - a waitress at Cedarbrook.

Tiger Woods - at his appearance fee rates, we could only afford a one-frame cameo. You will see him subliminally.

Act 1 - Lindenwood

Sir Markus kicks off the campaign with a birdie on the difficult first hole of the Red Nine. The Red Nine is an army of opponents who are truly worthy adversaries. Sir Markus accomplishes his feat by superb long-distance marksmanship rolling his putt.	(Dave Collard photo) Dave and Sir Markus continue the assault on the Red Nine.	Gary, Dave, and the sheriff succeed in vaulting the moat that protects the Red Seventh. Gary and Dave vanquish Red Seventh, with the sheriff providing backup.	Sir Markus repeats his birdie feat in a later battle against the Gold Nine. This time he ambushes their eighth flag from behind a tree. Thor uses the occasion to question their adversaries' courage by calling them the Yellow Nine.
(Dave Collard photo) Roger succeeds in fighting his way off the beach in the battle with the very tough Gold Sixth.	(Dave Collard photo) Fred relaxes happily after vanquishing the Gold Nine.1 Note the ancient wooden tools for which he is known.	After a brief stop for rest and nourishment -- well, OK, buffalo wings anyway -- the main characters take on the Blue Mountains.	The afternoon campaign begins badly for Fred, Roger, and Dave. On the Blue First, a triple-bogey wins the skin outright.
But they settle down and do OK after that -- even very well for a stretch.	After the Blue Mountains are conquered, a small party (Gary, Fred, Thor, and Terry) return to the Gold Nine to make sure things are as they left them. They return tired but successful.	The return trip is marked by a contest of the GPS elves employed by Thor and Terry, to see which would find the smallest, most out-of-the-way roads and still not get lost.	Dinner at Woody's. In spite of past efforts here, the victorious army's rejoicing cannot compete in boisterousness with a birthday celebration for an ancient magician at the next table.

Act 2 - Butlers

Gary is the advance scout for the group today. He tees off on the first hole.	(Dave Collard photo) Dave tees off next. He reaches the par-5 green in two, and secures a birdie.	Gary putts while Terry tries for a read.2	The fourth hole has a very tilted fairway, running down into the woods on the right. Dave hits into those trees, and searches for his ball. Gary, the advance scout, finds the ball for him. In hitting out of the trees, Dave hits into some tall rough, and again Gary helps him find it. After all this help from Gary, Dave actually has a 10-foot par putt. (He misses it. This isn't Hollywood.)
Terry tees off on the par-3 ninth.	Dave hits from the fairway.	(Dave Collard photo) Roger tees off, overlooking the Youghigheny River valley.	The bringing-up-the-rear party approaches the end of the morning campaign.
Thor and Fred both hit into the sand. They scuffle for the rake.	Fred wins the rake. He also hits a nice shot from the sand.3	(Dave Collard photo) Mark has lost a bet, and has to eat his scorecard.	(Dave Collard photo) Terry relaxes during intermission.
(Dave Collard photo) Fred and Dave prepare for the afternoon campaign.4	There is a group ahead that is definitely out of uniform. The most out of uniform is a guy with a tank top, cutoffs, and curls halfway down his back.5 But -- far worse than the dress code violations -- they play slow! That's unforgivable.	Fred and Thor walk the fairway. The scenery is spectacular.	Dave is hitting crisp wedges. The best is one from the sand that lands past the flag and backs up -- almost into the hole. Tap-in sand save anyway.
(Dave Collard photo) Fred takes a break.	Thor manages to hit the little ball before the big ball -- once he figures out which is which.	Waiting for the others to finish. (Those are not lights for the parking lot; they are birdhouses.)	Thor and Sir Markus regale the troops with fierce battle anthems like "Puff the Magic Dragon".6
Dinner rations are small. Well, they don't start out that way. There is plenty of food, but it is nearly inedible. Ribs are tough, and instead of barbeque sauce they have some sort of off-flavor pasta sauce. Chicken has the same sauce, but spicy. The doggy bags are full -- but are taken only by those with doggies at home to feed. Avoid the Rib Crib in the future.

Act 3 - Cedarbrook

Roger has left for home, but there are reinforcements. Bryan, Chris, and Mike join the merry band. Ironically, Chris and Mike -- the two youngest by a lot -- ride in carts, while the rest walk. Oh, sorry. Up until now it has been an infantry campaign; now we have cavalry as well. (That's Chris' story anyway, and he's sticking to it.)	(Dave Collard photo) Bryan swings into action.	Terry putting on the 11th green. This gives just an inkling of how hilly the course is.	On the 12th, Mike becomes a botanist and gives a thorough examination to every tree on the hole. Toward the end, he misses hitting a tree solidly (for the first time all hole); he just grazes it, and the ball continues into I-70, the highway that bisects the course.
Two holes later, Mike hits a pull-hook that clears all the trees on the boundary of the course, clears the eastbound lanes, and lands in the westbound side of the highway. Is he cavalry or artillery?	(Dave Collard photo) Speaking of artillery, Chris is definitely artillery. Here, he hits a 150-yard sand wedge, which lands 10 feet from the flagstick.	The final hole is an appropriate struggle for the climax of this epic. 350yards, most of it vertical, up the steepest hill you ever saw on a golf course. (In the winter, they put in a chairlift and #18 is a black diamond.) The valiant band of Mike, Chris, and Dave all manage bogey fives and walk away tired but happy.	Finish with a victory banquet, on a deck high above the domain that is Cedarbrook. Here are Chris and Mike enjoying

Roll the credits...

Notes:

1. Props and scenery note: That is not a fence behind Fred. It is a retaining wall to keep the Pennsylvania hillside from sliding onto the cart path.
2. Yes, the course really is that sloped! More so, in fact. The whole course is laid out on some very steep hills. Same for Lindenwood, and even more for Cedarbrook. Just walking the 18^th hole at Cedarbrook is an aerobic experience.
3. The house in the background is the trailer for the cast. (Actually, it is the John Butler house, the bed'n'breakfast on the course.) Five of the cast live there during the filming.
4. Costume note: Make sure they are in uniform, as in the storyboard sketch.
5. Casting note: Try to get Kenny G to play this guy.
6. Remember to get release from Peter, Paul and Mary. Anybody who was there for rehearsal knows the film will have to be lip-synched.
7. Location note: It will be very difficult to find a time and location that will give so much uninterrupted perfect golf weather. Three days of bright sunshine, temps in the seventies, and relatively little wind.